Chantiey: me at the end of the day

My clock is ticking…less than 50 days here in Manila…so many things to attend to but I’m not sure the time will be enough. This is perhaps one of the loneliest times in my life. Everybody seems just passing me by not looking at my eyes…full of questions and doubts, fears…my life has suddenly become ‘its komplikated…’ #

I’ve been blessed with a good opportunity..the MA scholarship is a dream come true for me. I am at my happiest when I am in school…my Asian classmates are a great bunch, they bring out the best in me. I look forward to my class discussions with them because they listen to what I say. They make me feel important and appreciated…its a different story in my personal relationships…sometimes I feel I’m neither appreciated or recognized. They always say what they want to say but they don’t really listen to me. I’m up in my ivory tower, like Rapunzel letting down my braid for my prince to rescue me but it seems he doesn’t hear a word I’m saying. I don’t know if its communication gap but right now I just want to sit up in my ivory tower surround myself with good reads, think about preparing for Costa Rica and concentrate on getting my stuff done. #

I pour my heart out,
I tell you every ache, every bit, yet you say you cannot hear, you cannot understand.
Do you care at all?

My classmates are Asian. We all speak English in class.
The funny thing is they’ve known me for about four months yet they care to hear me…
Is this just communication gap or are your walls to high for you to be able to hear what I say let alone feel how I feel?

"Carrieness"

This is my ultimate Sex and the City moment-me in my jammies typing away in my laptop’s keys. I let Maki be quiet for awhile. Weeks have been tiring; my anxieties engulfed me.

It’s refreshing to turn over a new leaf-new haircut, new lifestyle (I’m a student again dearie) and no grudges.

It’s true they say when you love someone-grudges go away and forgiveness finds its way. I’m grateful for this night, for this moment, it is truly wonderful to say-we are at the beginning again. Well, not only we but me.

Tonight, I say goodbye to my past; I thank it for giving me the strength to face my future and for its contribution to the woman I’ve become now. I say goodbye to my grudges; I thank it for letting me know what my boundaries are but I won’t let it control my life anymore. I say goodbye to my anxieties; that which has kept all night for weeks terrorizing my mind causing me nightmares consciously. I say goodbye to my fears; that which has kept me form growing. I say goodbye to my mistrust; now I realize and acknowledge that my Savior has my life in His hands.

I feel almost as fearless, as fab and almost as beautiful as Carrie now.Why? Because I know I am loved. I am loved by someone I too love. Someone who saw beyond my fears and anxieties; someone who stuck by me through the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and the almost impossible. Someone who grows with me and lets me grow too.

I am freeing myself from years worth of grudges and fears tonight.

Tonight, I begin trusting again. I begin loving, as I loved before except it just got better because I do not fear risking that much anymore.

When I got my haircut a couple of weeks ago, I knew deep inside me I let go of something holding me back. I thought I would look ugly in my haircut but I saw light. I saw beauty and I found happiness. I fell in love with life again. I wanted to celebrate it. I wanted to smell, to taste, to savor each moment without anymore fearing what next big thing life would bring.

I am still me. I still love the same songs, I still love the same man, I still sleep in the same bed but somehow I feel different. Suddenly I don’t feel so bad about myself now. I, along with the hair cut from me let go of my past and I breathe in my freedom from all the pain and heartache it has caused me.

I grew bigger in size with age; but my heart has expanded into horizons I didn’t know it was capable of.

What’s next for me? I’m going out there to tell the world how wonderful life is and that life isn’t only beautiful, I can finally call myself beautiful because I know I am loved.

I want to…’dance like no ones watching’ only to see that someone is actually watching.

I want to laugh like I never have.

I want to eat chocolate and not care about the calories.

I want to teach Guyito to fetch.

I want to thank the people who have all shaped my life whether they have hurt me or loved me.

I want to thank friends who have made a significant difference in my life:
to Ela, who was one of my first friends after being devastated from my parents separation;
to Pam, who showed me to the CR when I was frightened in the new school;
to Jacklyn, who stood up for me,
to Jill for being nice to me,
to Evelie for being my only remaining friend at LB,
to Ruschele for having lunch with me for 3 years and for nurturing me,
to Avril, for always listening and for drying my tears back in high school,
to Chona, for her loyalty,
to the rest of my high school barkada for being there and for accepting me for who I am.
to Abbie, for being the first friend I made in college and for still being my soulmate up to this day,
to MJ, for encouraging me and telling me that I am pretty
to the rest of my college friends for believing in me when no one else did.
to Ate Zeny, for loving me and teaching me to trust again,
to Father Jack, my father, my mentor, my friend,
to my friends in the parish who did not turn their backs against me especially Jessica and Jen,
to my Mom, I love her too much to screw up
to my Goody, the love we share is a gift from God, I am happy to be a part of something beautiful like this.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for my freedom. It feels good to be alive again-to love and to be loved in return.

Vacation confession-Cebu

I’ve always loved Cebu. Being in the place makes me feel like its a home away from home. Even if vacations in Cebu are always filled with last minute preparations and last minute shopping; leaving  always makes my heart frown.

In Cebu, I feel relaxed amidst the city life. I feel like there is always time to breathe, to smile, and most of all to be a visitor and be treated like a princess. The luxury of time is always available when I am here. I feel like there are a thousand and one possibilities here in Cebu. It has so much to offer, I have so much to explore and there is so much to discover.

In Cebu, dinners with family, visits from friends and catching up with my favourite aunt are my most favourite pasttimes. For awhile I forget about the harried meet-ups, the traffic violations, the unfriendly mall staff, the pollution and mostly the dark side of living in Manila.

My visits always end with a feeling of eager anticipation; but this time, I can no longer deny that indeed, I have fallen in love with Cebu. #

I saw little girls pushing a taxi cab which was having a hard time starting; I saw children wearing the same costume; I saw a boulevard named after a good friend’s grandfather; such familiarity with a place I have not visited more than a thousand times. But every time I come back I feel its embrace engulfing me; asking me to partake of its serene, sincere beauty. Asking me to smile back, be myself and relax, relax a little more.

I never thought a vacation to place I’ve been to so many times would make me feel like falling in love again. Maybe its what travel does to my soul; it engulfs me but doesn’t overwhelm me; it engulfs me just enough to make me feel like I am sane and I am free. #

They say familiarity builds contempt, but in my case with Cebu? No. It just makes me wonder some more. It captivates me enticing me to come back and everytime, have something new to see or a new story to tell. 

It all began that night. At exactly 8 p.m. I was already at the gate of our house ringing the doorbell to catch attention and ask for someone to answer the door. I waited for 20 minutes yet no one would come. I felt like a stranger in my own home.

Suddenly I had a craving for lumpiang shanghai. So off went I, alone went with Maki to a Chowking branch nearby. I then decided to buy a celphone pouch first. I got a pink printed one. And then I proceeded to Chowking to have my simple feast of lumpiang shanghai, garlic fried rice and iced tea.

The craving for taho came much after. It came after a postponed rather a missed flight to Cebu at around five in the morning. It came not just because of my love for tofu. It came because the man selling taho kept saying good morning and wanting to be perked up and find my "good" morning as well, I decided to have a taho feast right then and there outside the Cebu Pacific ticketing office at five in the morning.
Lumpiang shanghai and taho represent the insatiable; my insatiable need to eat and drnik.

Much like my insatiable need to love, hurt, love again until it hurts no more (as a friend would say).

The insatiable need to love. Like when I wake up in the morning and open my eyes-I know God loves me because He gives me another day to live and love some more.

Insatiable because as I ride a cab to go to my workplace-I go to a place where I love what I do, I love who I’m with. A place where friendships have stood the test of time, personal issues and flaws; a place I can call home; a place where I am loved for who I am; and mostly a place where I have become alive again.

Insatiable because the dear one in my life loves like no other-hard on the outside but soft in the inside. Insatiable because even if sometimes we hold each other’s hands in broken fashion; even if we argue and our flaws show-we love and forgive; even if we smell sweat and saliva; even if we smell like a day’s worth of work; even when there is silence and joy is not present; even when issues surface and patience falters; even when the world doubts the existence of the "us" we know and God knows we will make it.

Insatiable because I can never stop being my mother’s daughter; I can never stop caring for her even if sometimes tears are shed and words are hurtful; I can never stop loving her despite my impatience and my being snappy.

Insatiable because I love myself-the me I see in the mirror all dolled up and the me I see in the mirror all broken and sad from crying.

Insatiable because we all want to be loved. Insatiable because love is a need; not just a want. As much as we need to eat and drink so do we need to love and be loved.

Have you had any lumpiang shanghai or taho lately?

Thalia, my 11-year little sweetie has been feeling neglected lately. She has been threatened and jealous of the presence of our little Guyito who’s turning 1 month next week Thalia is fond of a lot of things especially food and necklaces. But she’s a picky-eater.

This morning while having breakfast and carrying Guyito, Thalia avoided me. I called her name many times over but still she didn’t come near me. Finally when Guyito was out of the picture, while I was having dessert (dessert during breakfast is a norm for me) she came near me so I gave her little pieces of the Chips Ahoy chocochip cookies I was eating. I was in awe of her splendor…her eyes sparkled and I could see that she felt like the prettiest most loved little sweetie in the world…much like how I feel being loved by God. As unwanted I may seem to feel and as unworthy I have been…God loves me…and it is enough to let me experience how it is to be "full of splendor." #

the way he holds my hand

the way he smiles at my jealous inquiries

the way he says I love you anywhere unashamed

the way he carries my backpack for hours because I dont wanna leave my Macbook in the car

the way he patiently finds my jacket after I drop it in the mall…

I could go on and on…but one thing is certain…the way he loves me is enough to make me (like the way God loves) full of splendor

bow :)   

“Firsts”

Christmas this year is different. More quiet and more rain. I am not saying its different this year because I got the Christmas gift I really want and need which I didn’t think I would get. But Christmas is different this year because I’m trying to let bygones be bygones.

I feel like my world is much wider and more unpredictable now. Facing retrenchment by February 08 and anticipating the results of my scholarship application in the next few days, I feel like my life is a new frontier. I don’t know what to expect much less what to do next.

My firsts:
1.) 1st time to use a Mac and its OS
2.) 1st time to be retrenched
3.) 1st time to be interviewed via phone
4.) 1st time to take an English proficiency test (IELTS)
5.) 1st time to realize that I am “OC-OC” and a perfectionist so that becomes the cause of my anxiety
6.)  1st time to feel that Christmas is sooo far away and not feel the season’s excitement to much unlike before 
7.)  1st time to feel a little more “daring”
8.) and of course, 1st time to celebrate an anniversary with a bf

I never thought at the age 26 I’d still have many firsts or much less even have firsts in my life.

As I cross my bridge of uncertainty and face it with both fear and anticipation, I am grateful for my “first” experiences.

May I just add that owning and using a Mac is a different kind of experience in itself…as a friend would say, it is indeed astig I feel like I’m 16 again going off to college, trying to figure out what course to take and who to choose as friends. So many choices, so many firsts…life is indeed an adventure. #   

Full moonlit night…I’m not a Halloween person though…I’m more the Valentine’s day girl…flowers, poetry, chocolate, frills, lace and everything sweet and nice

I just remembered how it was when my bf and I were in our going out stage there was this one night when we went out and just chilled…on the way home from dinner as he was driving home, we were listening to the best of lighthouse family CD on his CD player in his car and that night etched in my memory because it was one of those carefree nights when freedom was at my grasp and I was breathing like the ocean was so near…kind of like how his presence in my life has been…

In our earlier days, I would tell him that our love is like listening to the best of lighthouse family CD all day…so freeing…liberating…enriching…empowering because (as I realize now) his love has enabled me to love myself more…

it wasn’t all easy…but all the upheavals we’ve faced made me realize that love isn’t always about just the good times but also the bad and stormy times…

i’m loving every minute of my life now, especially with him. And i hope God will see…

that for every minute i am grateful,

that for every minute is a silent prayer in my heart of thanks even if it doesn’t seem like it.

that every minute is a chance to love; forgetting how to hate,

that every minute is a dream come true… 

i missed blogging. a lot of my time the past few months has been occupied with lots of things…personal, professional and otherwise

i’m really very happy that in NAMFREL Fairview, though understaffed, persecuted and discouraged, we were able to turn over 100% of the ERs for our assigned voting center…for this I would like to thank all the volunteers-the people who sacrificed and risked 101%…salamat guys…til the next election…:)

Read Bridget Jones diary 2 today. It’s the first time I’ve read it again after soooo long and it made me realize how ‘Bridgety’ I really am

I’m a simple girl-though maarte but simple at heart. I have simple joys and even simple dreams. I’m writing this amidst the last heat of summer and the quotable quote from Kris which I imitated yesterday…when she told James "parang love na kita ulit." I don’t know if I’m making sense at all but what I just want to say is that I am simply at my best…being myself and loving myself now

stuff about me and simple realizations over the last few months

- i buy lipstick when i need some or most especially when i’m super inis and distressed

- i love playing with my babooboo and being masungit is my lambing to the people closest to my heart- my mom and my dear

- recently discovered the wonders of dove green bar

- it begins with saying it can be done no matter how impossible it is

- a vacation doesn’t necessarily have to mean going out of town…it can be more CR time, a foot spa right at home, changing my mobile number for a day not to be bugged

- i need more sunscreen now…SPF 100 please

- when i say i have "nothing to wear" my friends tell me that its not true because i have a lot of clothes

- purple is my new black this season

- even if i lose my essentials like my glasses i can still see-there are more important things in the world than my essentials (i lift this from a text message i got recently) the most important thing is the REAL LOVE of people around me

bow

i can’t call you all dearies anymore now because i already have my ‘dearest’ one in my life

Happy women’s month to every woman I know…I wrote this essay last year and dedicate this to all woman especially those who are downtrodden, oppressed, abused, and also to those who like me struggle with their self-esteem…let’s keep on rockin’ girls! Remember NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad about yourself if you don’t allow them to…Read on…

http://www.popcom.gov.ph/press_releases/nc2006/nc07262006.html

Let me tell you a little about my struggle with self-esteem.

My parents separated when I was around 8. This began my struggle with my self-esteem. The separation caused me to be insecure. I was the bullied child in grade school, the laughingstock in first year high school. But things began to change when I was in second year high school, I became active in school and became a student leader…just when I thought things started to become better, my group of friends rejected me and to top it off, when I was graduating, I was disqualified for honors. It hurt me real bad because I was equating my self-esteem by my achievements. I struggled through college, been put down by a person who was very close to me. I had huge pimples…break-outs and I didn’t want looking at myself in the mirror…I didn’t feel beautiful.

I followed my dream to become a journalist and little by little I found myself. The shy, insecure little girl became a more confident woman. As a journalist, I had to face a lot of people from different walks of life and so I learned to face them and learned a lot from them. Through these lessons and through climbing the ladder from tabloid correspondent to managing editor of a magazine, I worked my butt off and found value in what I did and was empowered through knowing that my writing could help others.

Now, I am able to look at myself in the mirror and see and say that I don’t look too bad… but still not enough to say that I am beautiful…but maybe just maybe it isn’t always what’s outside that counts but what’s inside…what’s in my heart…

I took this test from Dove’s campaign for real beauty website…hope it helps you girls

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ph/dsef/temp2.asp?id=6606      

i have forgotten about the walls, the fences and even the door i set up around myself.

love has made me jump over the fence once again;

forgetting pain;

embracing joy-making me shout a resounding YES! i am alive- risking, living and loving every second of it.

‘there is nothing to fear,

my dear,’

he tells me,

and i say, yes my dear, indeed there is none to fear.

poignant short moments make my memories a lot interesting now.

i am happy to be alive…

embracing all that comes with it…pain, hurt, sorrow, love, joy, happiness, bliss…

i am not just happy to be alive…

but indeed i am alive again.

alive to smell coffee even if i dont drink it;

alive enough to hear the noise yet embrace the silence;

alive enough to taste the goodness and triumph over the bitterness;

alive to be able to breathe life into the dryness of my soul;

alive to be able to celebrate life and everything that comes with it-

risking again yet living and loving it with my eyes wide open

and my heart willing to embrace risking yet living and loving it…

living and loving it…

loving, embracing every moment…

savoring sweetness…

tasting, gulping from the cup i call life…###